Saturday, December 03, 2005

For A Few Words More

Scott Reid tells a Calgary Herald columnist, "Alberta can blow me!"

Not a word mentioned outside of the Western Standard and a few Blogging Tories.

Or if it is, the Ottawa press gallery and Toronto newsrooms are chuckling to themselves about Scott Reid's zinger and saying, "Good one!"

William Stairs tells a Le Devoir columnist, "Quebec can blow me!"

Well, first off, William Stairs is a gentleman and wouldn't say it, no matter how much he was provoked.

But even the rumour that he might have said it would have made front-page news the next day. The talking heads would solemnly proclaim that it was further proof of the Conservatives' unfitness to govern, because of the anti-Quebec bigotry at the highest levels within the party. Academics would confirm their findings with learned analyses from fellow historians and constitutional law professors.

Every quote from every Tory who ever said a slightly uncomplimentary word about Quebec, right back to the Riel rebellion, would be reprinted and rebroadcast for weeks on end.

Paul Martin would announce that Stephen Harper had finally revealed the hidden agenda to drive Quebec out of Canada in partnership with Gilles Duceppe. Scott Brison would hiss that the derogatory reference to fellatio demonstrates the rampant homophobia that drove him out of the party.

EKOS would commission polls showing that 128% of Canadians, and 273% of GTA residents, would now switch their votes to the Liberals to save the country.

Frightened Ontario voters, whipped up into a frenzy by MSM Liberal propaganda, propel the Liberals to a landslide majority in English Canada. Quebeckers take the hint from the Liberal re-election and vote in a landslide to elect a PQ government and YES for secession. Alberta decides to bolt anyway and take the rest of the West with them. The Maritimes, cut off from Ontario, form their own country by default.

Ontario finds itself friendless and alone, sitting amidst the rubble of a once-great country.

Outside the offices that once housed the now-defunct CBC, two recently laid-off journalists walk towards the Union Station subway.

"Where did it all go wrong?" the first one asks. "How did we lose the country? Do you think we were a little too hard on the Tories?"

"How can you say that?" the second one replies. "Losing the greatest country in the world was a small price to pay to keep them out of office."

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